ON AGE 32.
As I reflect on my last year of life, I look to moments of joy and pain as my biggest sources of learning and gratitude.
This time last year, I witness my sister-friend of 20 years get married. It was also the first time I blow up in a cab ride home with my partner. We make up very quickly. We take the longest vacation we ever had in Portugal last summer - blissfully spending our days at the beach, dining on the freshest fish, pasteis de nata and sipping cheap wine. Back to Toronto. I complete more teacher trainings and spend a lot of time in studio spaces. More sweat. I book an impromptu trip to Vancouver at the end of 2019 in an effort to reconnect with my estranged Father. I want to forgive him - but let’s just say, it’s complicated. Long walks in forests, smelling the Pacific Ocean air, gazing at mountains. YVR airport. I celebrate Christmas early with my Mother, brother and sister-in-law. House guests, more festivities, a Raptors game, ringing in 2020. My best friend tells me she’s pregnant while I am slurping a hot bowl of pho. I nearly choke with surprise and happiness. More classes, more studios. Apartment hunting. I remember the day Kobe died - it was also the day we found out that our offer was accepted. We become homeowners. Coronavirus. Masks. The lemony-scent of disinfectant and washing hands and anti-bacterial gel. A big fight ensues. Lockdown. I get let go from my job of 13 years. We make up. We move out of the city. I film some videos, I write some things, I start my website. Zoom parties. Zoom classes. Zoom hangs. Couples therapy. I officially quit said job of 13 years. I cry secretly for days. Black Lives Matter. Ahmaud, Breonna, George. We find some new trails to walk in. We see bunnies and chipmunks and listen to birds. I take on a new habit of laying in the grass midday and gazing upwards while I listen to podcasts. I feel a melancholy, a sadness for the plight of the world and the state of my anxious mind. I feel mourning for the person I once was. But I know that this feeling is transient. Like passing clouds in the sky.
